


A Torchwood Christmas.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:03:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Team make wishes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Torchwood Christmas.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a daft piece of crack I wrote for a bet.

It was Christmas Eve, and, thanks to an upsurge of Rift activity, Torchwood Three were all at work. At least, they were in the Building. However, they weren't exactly working anymore. They had finished working, and were, in Jack's words, having a little Celebration before they went home. A Magnum of Champagne had, somewhat mysteriously, turned up in the Tourist Office. Owen had pronounced it free from all poison and alien effects, so they were drinking some of it before they went home.

"What's the First Christmas you can remember?" said Gwen, after swallowing a number of drinks. Her hair was tousled and she was starting to slur her words. She waved her glass as she spoke and Champagne sloshed out of it over Owen's sleeve.

''Watch what you're doing with that" Owen complained.

"What's the first Christmas?" Gwen said again, still waving her glass and ignoring Owen completely.

''We didn't Celebrate Christmas" said Tosh, and then contradicted herself right away by saying ''we just had a small tree and presents."

''We had Christmas" said Jack, looking pensive ''we used to light Bonfires and burn effigies of our enemies on them. Then we roasted a Golem and let off firecrackers. When the bonfire was going out we used to stand around it in a circle and make a wish for the following year.''

''Did you say you roasted a GOLEM?" exclaimed Ianto.

''Ummm" muttered Jack "it was ---well---kind of like a large goat."

"What DID you wish for then?" asked Gwen, STILL waving her glass, which was now mercifully empty.

''Oh" said Jack " all different things----after they all died---after they all died we only had it once more----I wished I was younger---so they'd all be back again you see." He sighed and said slowly "I just stood there by the Bonfire and said ---I wish I was young again---because I felt old you see--- even though I was only 12."

"Let's all do it" said Gwen, beaming a drunken smile "let's do it--let's light a fire and DO it.'' She stood up with some difficulty, as they were all actually sitting on the floor in a circle in Jack's office.

''We can't light a fire in here" said Jack.

''We can do it without a fire" Ianto exclaimed '' we'll hold hands.''

So that is what they did. They stood up, held hands in a circle and said in unison "I wish I was young again''. Then they all fell down and fell asleep. Then--------then they woke up again------unfortunately.

Jack sat up and extricated himself from the large pile of material he appeared to be entangled up in. He stood up and gazed around in amazement. His office had suddenly grown in size. Everything in it was HUGE. The office itself was like a small Ballroom. He looked down at his body and uttered an involuntary scream in a VERY high pitched tone. Just as the Office had grown----he had shrunk by a corresponding amount. The floor was covered in clothing which abruptly moved, revealing that his fate was shared by his colleagues.

''What the fuck?" said a small brown head, which looked very much like a four or five year old version of Owen.

''We appear to have got our wish'' said Ianto, quite calmly ''we're young again.''

''I didn't want to be this young!" moaned Tosh, who seemed to be about the size of the average two year old ''I thought it was a joke--and if it did work--I was hoping to just go back a year or so.''

''Why are we all different sizes anyhow?'' Owen snapped. He marched, naked, up to Jack, who was smaller than he was, and gave him a push ''tell me Harkness."

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW" Jack shouted "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD WORK------IT NEVER DID BEFORE!''

"Where's Gwen?" asked Tosh, suddenly, ignoring all the shouting and complaining ''WHERE IS SHE?"

At that moment, a loud infantile scream filled the room and a VERY small head poked up out of the clothing on the floor. It was covered with a mass of black hair and appeared to belong to an infant aged around eight or nine months of age. The infant sat up with great difficulty, still screaming.

"FUCK, FUCK, FUCK" Owen swore " she's a baby.''

''Stop swearing Owen'' said Jack, ''you're too young to swear."

''I'll swear as much as I bloody well like" Owen continued "and this is all your fault anyhow."

''IT IS NOT JACK'S FAULT'' yelled Ianto, with as much strength as his three year old lungs would allow.

''It was Gwen's idea" Tosh pointed out reasonably ''and none of us objected, did we."

''So" said Ianto, trying to keep calm '' let's just do it again and wish to be older.''

''I don't think Gwen can speak at the moment'' said Tosh. They all looked at Gwen, who looked back at them with tear filled eyes.

''We'll add-- and Gwen--on the end of our wish'' said Jack "we can hold her hands--she still has hands--."

So that is what they did. They stood up, except Gwen, held hands in a circle and said in unison "I wish I was old again and Gwen''. Then they fell down and fell asleep. Then--------then they woke up again------unfortunately.

''Bugger" swore Owen, in a quavering voice ''I am so stiff.''

"So am I'' said Jack, then he started to laugh.

"OH FUCK'' shouted Owen "we're all ancient now.''

"You do make a great looking Senior Citizen, Jack'' said Ianto.

''So do you'' Jack responded.

''Stop admiring yourselves and do something'' groaned Tosh "I don't WANT to be THIS much older.''

''I hate to bother everyone'' said Ianto ''but it didn't work----Gwen is still a baby.''

''Oh Hell'' Jack moaned ''we'll have to try again--let's say we want to be how we were an hour ago.''

''What do we do about Gwen?" asked Tosh.

''I guess she'll just have to stay like that until she learns to talk'' Jack sighed.

''We can't keep her here all that time though can we?'' Tosh continued ''I don't know anything about babies, and what do we tell Rhys?"

''We'll tell him the truth'' said Jack ''he knows about Torchwood. He can raise her until she can talk--and then he can have her back again--if it works.''

''Poor Rhys'' sighed Tosh, her eyes filling with tears.

''He'll get her back--eventually'' Jack said, in an slightly irritated tone of voice ''he'll get her back--most of us aren't that lucky.''

"It is so unfair on Gwen'' Tosh sniffed ''why didn't it work on her like it did on us?''

''The result of her famous empathy probably'' said Owen, sounding somewhat cross.

''It doesn't matter why'' Jack snapped ''we'll be a man short here----I'll have to get a replacement. I HATE hiring folk. I'm hopeless at it.''

''Let's just join hands and get back to normal'' Ianto said ''I'm tired. Let's hold hands and do it before we get any older.''

So that is what they did. They stood up, except Gwen, held hands in a circle and said in unison "I wish I was as I was an hour ago''. Then they fell down and fell asleep. Then--------then they woke up again------fortunately.

 

Epilogue.

Tosh spent Christmas day with her family. Owen spent Christmas day with his Uncle Henry and Aunt Rachel and had a REALLY boring day but lots of great food. Ianto and Jack spent Christmas day in bed. Gwen spent Christmas day with Rhys. He decided she was a very cute baby. When he took her out the next day everyone admired her and she smiled brightly and cooed prettily. By the end of the week he had made his decision. Baby Gwen was infinitely preferable to adult Gwen. She didn't argue for a start. He thought he might keep her that way--for a few more years anyhow.

 

The End.


End file.
